Freely Offered

'Twas the night before New Year's, and all through the house
Not a gift was unbroken, not even a blouse.
The toys lay around in wild disarray;
Most were in need of more double A's.
The stockings I'd hung by the chimney with care
Were tattered and torn, and their insides were bare.
The children were immersed in some video game,
And Mother and I were just barely sane.
Only six days had passed since this last Christmas Day,
But Mother and I, we'd started to pray:
"Please let these kids off their sugar high."
But before we could finish, Sara started to cry.
Timmy had kidnapped her new doll Collette,
And he'd staged a hanging with his Erector set.
Collette now hung limp, lifeless, and dead,
So Sara dumped her soda on Timmy's small head.
Needless to say, this war escalated
As each one's actions the other exacerbated.
Soon Johnny and Jane had joined in the fight
And I had no choice but to turn out the lights.
Despite my hopes, the ruckus did not cease
And we knew only one thing would bring us some peace.
"Who wants some candy?" yelled Mother, and then
The noise level dropped to a reasonable din.
Then silence reigned for one glorious moment,
As the kids left the room in a multi-colored torrent.
Before long, however, we heard shouts and grouches,
But Mother and I stayed nestled in our couches.
We knew the food would soon disappear, and then
The war would move back to the living room again.
Five minutes later, just as I said,
Timmy hit Johnny over the head.
So Johnny came running to us full of tears,
Begging me to paddle Timmy's small rear.
I looked at my wife and uttered a sigh,
Then checked my watch, hoping midnight was nigh.
For then we would all gather round the television
As Dick Clark carried out his annual mission:
To ring in the new year from New York's Times Square
And drop that big apple on all the people there.
Miracle of miracles, it was five to!
My wife and I, we knew just what to do.
I gathered the children, one, two, three, four,
As Mother the eggnog began to pour.
As midnight approached the anticipation grew,
Then Dick Clark's hair started to turn blue!
I gave the antenna a tweak, the sat down
And saw Dick's toupee was back to its usual brown.
Then the camera focused on the clock counting down
And we yelled out the numbers with the rest of the crowd.
Then the apple dropped and the children all screamed
"Happy New Year, Dad!", then Timmy turned green.
He made it to the bathroom OK,
But that signalled the end of this eventful day.
And after Mother and I tucked the kids in their beds,
We looked at each other, and then Mother said
"They're sweet little dears, and I love them a lot,
But sometimes I wish that had them we'd not."
I agreed, then looked at her with mock sorrow:
"It's just really too bad school starts day after tomorrow!"