Freely Offered

Onward kindred shoulders,
Bearing lots of gifts
For the friends and family
With whom we have no rift.
Hands are spending money
That they haven't got;
Have to use those credit cards,
Use them quite a lot.
Onward kindred shoulders,
Bearing lots of gifts
For the friends and family
With whom we have no rift.

What does little Johnny want?
Just a battle-ax
To use to chop the apples
He like to eat as snacks.
I think he holds a motive, though,
Ulterior to that;
What he really wants it for
Is sister’s dolls to hack!
Onward kindred shoulders,
Bearing lots of gifts
For the friends and family
With whom we have no rift.

A doll for Miss Christina
That cries and sleeps and wets;
Don't let her bring it with her
When she climbs into your bed!
She also wants a puppy dog,
A fuzzy, furry pet;
Don't forget it also
Will cry and sleep and wet!
Onward kindred shoulders,
Bearing lots of gifts
For the friends and family
With whom we have no rift.

Cousin Joe has asked for
A brand new stereo.
And he does not mean
A small one, don't you know!
The one he wants costs more
Than a Cadillac;
Don’t you think his brain is just
A little out of whack?
Onward kindred shoulders,
Bearing lots of gifts
For the friends and family
With whom we have no rift.

Sister dear has requested
A computer for school;
You go in search of one
Knowing you are a fool.
A salesman descends upon you
Spouting some canard;
You just stand bewildered
And hand over your credit cards.
Onward kindred shoulders,
Bearing lots of gifts
For the friends and family
With whom we have no rift.

Now you’re almost done,
There's just your loving spouse,
Who has her heart set
On a brand spanking new house.
But by now your credit cards
Are well and truly crammed,
So you buy a keychain
And hope she'll understand.
Onward kindred shoulders,
Bearing lots of gifts
For the friends and family
With whom we have no rift.